It's hard to believe that this year it will be six years since we lost our sweet Tristan. The month of February is always a difficult month for me. It's hard not to forget and I always feel a sense of sadness and loss when February comes. It's so disappointing because I always liked the month of February. I looked forward to Valentines Day on the 14th and my brother's birthday on the 19th. Seems like there were lots of great memories in February but now it's just a sad time for me.
It's true that time heasl the pain of a loss. I know through time I have learned that life does go on even with a broken heart. Your' life is definitely never the same but you find a new way of living your life with the pain. You will never forget you just learn to adjust to a new way of looking at life.
It amazes me that most of the time I can't remember a thing. I don't know why but I can't remember the details of what I did yesterday but six years later I can still remember the details of the day we lost Tristan. I remember what the hospital room looked and smelled like, what the weather was that day, and most of all what I felt when Tristan was delivered and how quiet the room was. No baby crying, no laughter, no talking, just silence I will never forget.
Back then I could not imagine where I would be six years later. I barely knew if I could make it through the day. I knew I wanted to know what It felt like to be a mother. I knew I was one. I went through 9 months of pregnancy, 24 hours of labor, had stretch marks, my body was ready to breastfeed etc. and most of all my mother instincts were there. But I had no baby in my arms. That was the hardest part of trying to heal is know that my body was ready to care for a baby and I was a mother but there was no baby to mother.
No doubt I had feelings of guilt. Wondering if I made the right decisions, asking why my body let me down, why I didn't know the umbilical chord was wrapped around his neck. It just made you crazy after awhile. Living in a small town I felt so isolated and alone. I knew no one who had experienced this kind of loss and I felt like I was some kind of freak. Once you did tell people It was sad to see their look on their face. It was very uncomfortable at times and I would try to avoid the questions "Do you have any children?" I learned early on that I was uncomfortable if I said Yes or if I said no. So I learned to finally answer "Yes, my son Tristan was stillborn at 41 weeks." It took awhile to answer without tearing up but after a year I was able to say it openly without the tears. I remember being around women and they would be talking about their child birth experiences etc. and I would talk about mine and they would be confused. "Oh I thought you said you didn't have any children?" I would have to explain to them. I felt like I had something in common but then once I would share with them my loss some women were confused and often wanted to ask lots of questions. It was hard at first to answer but I knew most of the woman just didn't know about stillbirths and It was more of a way for me to help educate them about it. It really started to help me to learn to talk more about my loss and stillbirth and I knew that if I talked more about it with others It would help educate them. I felt that Tristan's loss would be a lesson for others and over time It made it easier for me to talk about it.
Every year we usually do a balloon release in Tristan's memory but it's been so windy we decided to reschedule it to another day when it wasn't so breezy. This morning Chris & I did our regular morning routine getting the boys up, making breakfast and sending Liam off to preschool. My Mom is visiting and she was able to watch Blake for us so we could both take drive Liam to school. After we dropped Liam off at 9 a.m. Chris asked me what I'd like to do to cheer me up. I said lets go to the country club and play tennis and workout for the morning. So we drove to the country club and on the way there I noticed the clock at 9:31 a.m. which was the exact time Tristan was born sleeping. I began to tear up and I felt a pit in my stomach. I would never had guessed six years later I would driving my son to preschool. I feel so blessed to have Blake & Liam. They are a constant remember of how far I've come and how strong I've become. I could not have imaged even having another baby and now I have two healthy, strong boys. Thanks to Tristan I have really experienced first hand how important it is to cherish every moment with your children and to not take any breathe they take for granted. My Mom and Chris both wanted me to spend the day doing something I like doing so they were so sweet letting me take the car after our workout at the country club, and go out alone for a few hours. I went for walk, went shopping bought myself some much needed clothes, said a prayer for Tristan and dreamed of what life would have been like with Tristan here playing with his little brothers. So bitter sweet but I know that he will remain such a special part of our family for a lifetime. I'm so blessed I was able to hold him for only a short time but he will live on forever in my heart.
Miss you sweet Tristan!
